I Have ADHD Podcast
The I Have ADHD Podcast is a clear, concise, and FUN podcast for adults with ADHD. Listen to learn about how ADHD impacts every area of your life from the boardroom to the bedroom...and how you can begin to overcome your symptoms by accepting who you are, flaws and all.
Host Kristen Carder is a dually certified coach who has supported thousands of of people with ADHD worldwide. Kristen's extensive experience working with ADHDers began in 2012, and she now leads a global community of adults with ADHD in her coaching program, FOCUSED.
****OBVIOUSLY the content in this podcast is not meant to be a substitute for medical advice. Kristen Carder is not a medical professional.
I Have ADHD Podcast
278 You're Allowed to be Messy!! Interview with Stacy Scott
Stacy Scott is a feng shui practitioner and decluttering expert who has so much wisdom to share about how our environments impact our self-concept and personal growth. You won’t want to miss this transformative conversation!
We delve into the influence of childhood experiences on adult behaviors related to clutter. Stacy shares insights on how chaos and even trauma from our early years can shape our relationship with our living spaces. She also touches on the pitfalls of striving for minimalism, cautioning that it can sometimes lead to neglecting our self-worth.
The conversation takes a critical look at societal pressures, particularly on women and mothers, to maintain perfect homes. Instead of unrealistic expectations, Stacy advocates for support and understanding.
For those of us with ADHD, maintaining morning routines and managing clutter can be incredibly challenging. Stacy offers practical advice and emphasizes the importance of addressing the shame and overwhelm that often accompany these struggles. We also critique the rigid norms of minimalism and cleanliness that society imposes on us.
The takeaway? You're allowed to be messy!
You can find Stacy Scott on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube!
Come hang out with me on Instagram HERE.
AG1 by Athletic Greens
Kristin, welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it's all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults. With ADHD, I'm your host, Kristin Carter and I have ADHD. Let's chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder, I'll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point A to point B. Hey, what's up? This is Christine Carter, and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, I am caffeinated, I am regulated, and I am ready to roll How are you, my friends? I'm so glad it's gonna be such a good episode today on the pod today, I have Stacy Scott, and I'm going to read her little intro, but then we are going to get into it. Stacy Scott is an internationally recognized feng shui practitioner and decluttering expert, known for infusing trauma informed methods into the ancient practice of Feng Shui, with a background as a doctor of occupational therapy and personal experience healing from a chaotic and cluttered childhood which we're going to get into. Stacy now helps 1000s of souls create sanctuaries that reflect their highest potential. Adhdr, I cannot wait for you to hear from Stacey again, because we are so connected. I feel in just our interest in trauma and how it impacts every single aspect of how we show up, and to have someone like you Stacy here to talk about how it affects our relationship with our stuff, our clutter, our homes, the way that we decorate and the spaces that we occupy, It's so important. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for joining me. I'm
Stacy Scott:so glad I'm here again because of the first conversation we had was so powerful, so many people reached out to me afterwards, and it's I'm just so grateful I get to say what I'm saying, because I know this is a topic that doesn't get touched on a whole lot. We really in our society, we talk about possessions as this terrible, awful thing you have too much. We bet we are very Shamy when it comes to how we speak about possessions, even the word clutter, if you look it up in the dictionary, it literally is an untidy heap or trash. So I love to tell folks that your home is the tapestry to your subconscious, and that is not to scare you. That is actually meant to really set you free, because if you learn some sort of self limiting belief in your childhood or your young adulthood, the beautiful part of neuroplasticity of the brain is that you can unlearn it. And what better way to use your home as a tool? Because you can actually see your subconscious in real time, the colors that you've chosen, the way you arrange furniture, the presence or absence of possessions, the way your home makes you feel your behaviors within your space, is all coming back to your self concept, who you believe you are in the world, and if that is no longer aligning, you are in the perfect place to shift and change. That does not mean you are failure. That means you are ready to become a new freaking woman. So I have chills. She's already preaching.
Kristen Carder:I'm so glad you're here because I support ADHD adults from all over the world, and a common thread is shame around the home space, shame around clutter, shame around piles, shame around you know, my house isn't decorated like the Instagram houses, just so much shame. And one of the things that I think is so interesting about your work is you talk about how our childhoods impact the way that we show up with our clutter now, or our spaces or our stuff. Can you give us just a brief overview on how my childhood might impact how I show up with my stuff in my home
Stacy Scott:absolutely so I love to teach through examples. So I can give you a personal example just to start to get those wheels turning. So I grew up in a very, very emotionally abusive home. There was some some physical abuse, but it was also a very cluttered homes, very dusty. I felt like I had no control over my space. So what I find most people do you know, from a general standpoint, is we go in one of two directions. When we feel like we grew up with a lack of control, we either end up emulating some of the behaviors and patterns of our parents through no fault of our own. It's just. What we were taught, or we go in the complete opposite direction, and we severely swing the pendulum to the other side. So I am someone who swung the pendulum severely to the other side. I was becoming an adult right as the girl gloss era was starting, which was the same era of minimalism. So I clung to this idea of minimalism because it gave me a sense of control in my home, I was projecting onto my space, my lack of control in my body. I did not know how to manage my emotions. I was severely pushing away all of my abuse from childhood because I did not know how to handle it, manage it. I did not feel safe. So what did I do? I threw out everything. Now I'm not even just talking about extra odds and ends. I literally threw out baby pictures, my own baby pictures, because mini you know, in my mind, I had created this thing where, well, minimalism said is, if it has no use and I haven't touched it in six months, I must get rid of it. Now, I know that's probably not what people were saying, but because I had grabbed onto this minimalistic lifestyle as a way for me to really push away the lack of control I felt in my body, that's kind of what concocted in my brain so but what happened was society then said, we have this moralism that comes down through the line and minimalism. Well, everybody just praised, praise me to high heavens. They praised my dorm room. They praised my apartments after college because, I mean, you could walk into my room, there was not a hair out of place. And that was designed because I could not rest until literally every pillow was perfect. No tchotchke on my shelf was, you know, not perfectly aligned to the way I wanted it. I would even open up my bed just a little bit, shimmy on in, because I was taking up so little space, shimmy on in, not and try to not mess up my bed. But what this was doing was it was saying that the room was more important than me, that the way things looked was more important than myself, that I was taking up such small space in my life, in my home, and I didn't, you know, this is how my subconscious was coming out in my home. So I'm controlling it, but I'm also taking up very, very, very little space, because it was more important for it to stay perfect, for me to project this energy and this visual of perfection, and so that nobody could ever see that beneath that veneer, I was not okay. So this is what happens, you know, and I feel like in our society, we don't, we're maybe now just finally ready to have this conversation that over decluttering and minimalism itself. Maybe its intentions were pure, but we have taken it to a dark place, because very it's very difficult to tell people, well, maybe you're over decluttering, because this is how a lot of women, especially mothers. We use it to control our homes. I am a mom now. I have a seven month old. I know that minimalism gets sold primarily to wives and mothers as a way for them to control and I think we need to take a step back and say, Well, what are we really saying to women, collectively and societally, when we say, well, you need to control all of this, and here's all these tips and tricks and magic bullets, when really you just need more freaking help in the home. Yes, so this is what I'm exploring now, and I'm so here for people to finally have this conversation. And it's not about minimalism or even the new cool thing of max of maximalism. It's not about setting your foot and planting your flag in either camp. It's about coming to understand what your nervous system needs. You know where you are in your healing journey, what your nervous system needs from your home right now to heal and thrive, knowing that that is going to change so you can't use somebody else's version of their home to heal you, which is why I don't use lifestyle marketing in any of my social media. You will never see my home, because what my home is, My home will not heal you. Your home will heal you, but it's my job to help guide you there.
Kristen Carder:I'm covered in chills. I'm covered in chills because, you know, I've been following you for quite some time, and I didn't even think about it, but you're absolutely right. Obviously, you don't use lifestyle marketing on your Instagram or wherever else, like it's just, I'm always seeing your face. Never see my which I love, beautiful face, but I never see your home, and I absolutely appreciate that from you, because if you were to do that, you would be setting a standard and saying, This is the standard, like, if you want to be healed, this is the standard. I'm so glad that you did not that
Stacy Scott:was incredibly intentional. And. Even when I was starting off in Feng Shui, I knew that posting pictures, this is what Instagram was still really photos. I feel like a dinosaur, but that, even that, made me feel weird, and I didn't have enough knowledge of what I'm doing to understand why. But this is why, because what my home looks like should not factor into what you do in your space.
Kristen Carder:So beautiful. If you've listened to this podcast for any length of time, you've definitely heard me talk about the fact that I don't have a morning routine. I have what's called a please don't die list. Kristen, could you please not die? And on that list are things like eating, taking my medication, making sure I'm clothed. You know, the very, very basics morning routines are so hard for adults with ADHD and I have just thrown in the towel and dropped all of the drama around it. But I want to tell you something fascinating I have been able to be so consistent with the routine of drinking ag one every day, I kid you not, I drink it every day. I wake up, I come down the stairs, and the first thing I do is get my little shaker out, fill it with water, add a scoop of ag one, and I'm telling you that it makes me feel so ready to take on the day, like I'm doing something so good for my body. And my body is like, oh, actual nutrition. I appreciate you. Thank you so much. Speaking of that nutrition, AG, one is a foundational nutrition supplement that delivers daily nutrients and gut health support. Now this is so important because we've talked about this before. Diet and nutrition are very difficult. For those of us with ADHD, we are prone to lean toward the sweets we want, the chips we want, the dopamine. But if we can make sure that we're doing something good for our bodies every day, it will make a difference. What's so cool about ag one is that it's backed by multiple research studies. That is not nothing you can really trust what you're putting in your body when you take ag one, because unlike so many other products, their entire formula is backed by research, not just the ingredients, but the whole formula over 14 years. AG, one has been focused on innovation with a trusted nutrient dense blend that's the perfect complement to any diet, whether your diet is healthy or you struggle with nutrition. AG, one is the perfect complement no matter what. Now, you know, I'm a Research girly. That is so much of what I do for this podcast. So I do care about the details, and with ag one, I can trust their research and how they're validating the product working in the body. If you've heard me talk about ag one before, you may have heard me say that I've actually noticed that I need less coffee in the morning, which is wild because coffee is literally the reason I get out of bed in the morning. What's cool is that their research backs this after 60 days of taking, eg, 190 1% of people in a research study notice that they need less coffee as well. So I'm not the only one. Listen, if there's one product I trust to support my whole body health. It's ag one, and that's why I partner with them and them alone for so long, it's easy. If it wasn't easy, I wouldn't do it, I promise you that. And it's satisfying to start your day with ag one, knowing that at least you've got the foundation of a little bit of nutrition right there. So you can try, AG, one and get a free one year supply of vitamin d3, k2, and five free. AG, one travel packs, which are going to be amazing for summer travel. By the way, you can get all of that with your first purchase at drink. AG, one.com/i, have ADHD. That's drink, ag one.com/i have ADHD. Go check it out. So I want to go back to what you said about taking up very little space in your own home. And I think that as I am processing this through the lens of working with adults with ADHD who are really overwhelmed and feeling ashamed of their homes, it is almost like they're ashamed to live there, to take up the space within the home. Do you see that as an outworking of the shame that was put on you, from you know, toxic abusive parents, of like, taking up space as a human in general was just like, not really allowed. Because what I notice is, for those of us who grew up in toxic environments, expressing our autonomy was always you. Shamed and living in your own home as you please is one of the ways that you express your autonomy, and
Stacy Scott:you also express your autonomy, but also your individuality, and you have to be as comfortable with that in order to express it in this physical, tangible way.
Kristen Carder:So instead of taking up space. You clung to this like. I'm going to take up as little space as possible. I'm going to make it look like I don't even
Stacy Scott:live. Yeah, I'm going to make my room. This is when I was an apartment living with other with other girls. So primarily I control over my room. I'm going to make my room look so unbelievably perfect. So I project this image of perfection, so that, because that was a coping strategy for me, because I could not, I could not, it was not safe for me in that moment in my life to stop and turn inward to really deal with my abusive childhood. So I projected this image of perfection, using minimalism, which, of course, then society just praised me for it never occurred to me until you know within the last few years that this was really a coping mechanism. But yeah, yeah,
Kristen Carder:I think that so many of us who just want the rules of like, how, how can I feel safe? How can I be good? And minimalism presents this, like, really nice, almost religion. Of like, we have the black and white rules for you. Like, here's how you know if you're a clean person or if you're a tidy person, if you're a good person, you have exactly this much stuff in your home and and I think especially for people with ADHD who get overwhelmed easily and we struggle to prioritize so we don't know really what to keep, what not to keep. It can be really hard, because following the religion of minimalism is real difficult for us.
Stacy Scott:I love how you call it a religion, because it definitely feels, at least in its current form, dogmatic. You know that there are these principles and in our society, in our culture, if you are not clean, you are dirty, right? We have this false dichotomy. If you are not clean, you are dirty. If you are not minimal, you are a hoarder. By the way, hoarding is I have seen true hoarding. I am an Occupational Therapist. I've been in these homes. True hoarding is not something you see every day, but yet everybody has this great big boogeyman fear that lives within their body, that they are somehow a border if they are not in alignment with whatever they believe true minimalism to be. So we have these false dichotomies that, over time, minimalism has taken on, and also, if you in our society as well, to touch upon money. If you are a hoarder, we also believe you're poor, that that's so true. Minimalistic is to be wealthy, because you can afford to buy it again after you've thrown it out. You can afford just to just spend, spend, spend, spend. And I'm not demonizing over consumption here, because I do believe we have been conditioned from birth in the US to consume. So my sitting here saying, you're consuming too much, that's your fault. Why can't you just be minimal, you know, being excessive with my my expressions. But what we're really saying there is, you know, there's an inherent level of wealth in this minimalistic conversation. So I think in terms of when it comes to a population, a large population of people now who would consider themselves not neurotypical, but neuro spicy, you know, I think there's a lot of shame to contend with, because we have told these folks, I am not somebody who lit who identifies as being on that spectrum, but my husband is. We've basically told them from birth that you think different, but in so many subtle ways, we've told them that to be different is to be bad and not to be celebrated. You know, I think I even said this last time on your podcast like my husband's brain is unbelievable. When he just gets to pull things together out of thin air and create something new. It's amazing the level of cleverness, yeah, but that's when he's really feeling relaxed and he doesn't feel like he needs to keep up with thinking in the right way. So I think we can absolutely extrapolate this perspective to the home as well. For a lot of people who feel like because they have death piles and, you know, they're not organized in the right way. Of course, we're looking for a magic bullet. Who doesn't want a magic bullet? I wish I had a magic bullet to sell people, right? But for me, decluttering really is a spiritual breakthrough in order we do the physical act of decluttering, because we're doing the emotional act of decluttering in your body by purging fear, grief, trauma, shame, whatever it is that lives within you that no longer works for you. So, yeah,
Kristen Carder:just beautiful. People. I want to speak to a segment of people who are going to be listening thinking, Well, I am really messy, and I have a lot of clutter, and it's whatever, and I do carry shame for that, but I don't identify as having trauma. And I will raise my hand. I've said this often. I don't know if I've ever said it on the podcast, but someday I'm going to write a memoir, and it's going to be called, I don't have any trauma, and it's going to be stories like all of my traumatic stories, because I also was someone who would have never identified as, you know, being brought up in a toxic, dysfunctional, traumatic home. What are some signs that you see with your clients of like those toxic, dysfunctional, chaotic homes that people might not be thinking of right now as they're listening, they might say, Oh, no, like my my upbringing was not chaotic, or my upbringing was not toxic or dysfunctional, what are some ways that we can help people see like, okay, maybe we're defining toxic or dysfunctional or traumatic a little bit differently than what the average person thinks
Stacy Scott:about so I want to first off by saying that I think a lot that maybe I would call trauma has just been normalized in our culture as like, that's just how parents parent, or that's how, you know, we young, young girls, treat each other. But I really like to look at the definition of trauma very broadly, because I also get a lot of clients that I do in my private declaring work, and they're like, I'm just so into everything you're saying, but I don't think I have trauma, but then we dive into it, because I use inner child healing, which is a somatic, you know, body based practice, and all of a sudden we're coming up with all these memories where they're like, oh, wow, my mom, you know, just ignored me that day, and she didn't even mean to, but she just ignored me, but I was reaching out for something, or she kind of shamed me there, or my dad kind of yelled at me. And, you know, these aren't like, these huge awful moments that we would definitely describe as, like PTSD inducing, but they were just little things that still remain in their bodies. So for me, trauma is really a spectrum, like, not everybody's gonna have the PTSD inducing things, I would put myself closer to the PTSD, you know, side of the spectrum, and I am aware of that. But I think we all can kind of live on the other to the middle end of the spectrum, where it where it's any experience that left an emotional imprint in your body that feels not right to you, it left some sort of emotional imprint that had you feeling less than not worthy, where you were not seen, heard, unconditionally, loved and given the support that you needed in that moment. And this is not to blame parents at all, even if you feel like I had great parents, this is just to say, if that is still remaining in your body, then yes, let's gently release it, because you have so much more you need to do in this life. I don't want you holding on to anything from your past.
Kristen Carder:I love it so, so much. I think that, you know you mentioned earlier, as a society, we're finally ready to start having these conversations. And I know praises, I It's so exciting and and I feel that deeply within my soul, like as a human, I am finally starting to be ready to have these conversations. So I feel like with society, I am growing developmentally alongside of, you know, whereas five years ago, I would have said, like, No, I mean, my childhood was kind of weird, but I don't have any trauma. That's exactly how I would have described it to you. And now recognizing like, oh, emotional neglect is normalized and and it's so normalized, and I think that for most ADHD years, that is something that we can all kind of grab onto as like even some of us had parents who were doing their best, some of us did not have parents who were doing their best. But even for those of us who had parents that were doing their best, there's just so much generationally that's happened that exactly what you said, emotional neglect is slash was so normalized that it just like you said, it imprints on us in a way that we don't even realize. And I think
Stacy Scott:a lot of us also grew up with mothers if we, if we step into the general generational trauma, you know, zone, for a moment, I think a lot of us grew up with mothers who were treated by their mothers, who were probably treated by their mothers with a lot of criticism and like, Oh, why are you doing that kind of comments instead of just support? Support and love, and I'm here for you. You know, the narcissistic ex tendencies from a lot of mothers to their daughters completely normalized like I remember, I have many memories of my mom sitting on the phone, talking about me to her friends and in a very negative tone, in a very critical tone, talking bad about me, talking bad about my body talking bad about my grades in school. I am absolutely taking that, and I think that was very normalized because she's talking to other mothers, totally of daughters, you know, and I still hear people in the community today talking negatively about their children when their child is in the room. So I think we still have some more uncovering to do, but yet that is something where it is so normalized, you know, and Earlier you asked for examples. So other things that have been normalized that I see a lot in my clients is, and I think you even said this on your last the last time I was with you, was using chores as punishment, using food as punishment. So what does that mean? Like? Well, you can't go out and play, you can't be on the computer. You can't talk to your friend until you do the dishes, you clean your plate, you do XYZ, whatever it is that's creating some sort of punishment around daily household chores, you know, taking the door off the hinges. You know, like, you can't shut the door. Don't you dare slam that door. I'm going to take it off its hinges. That is so normalized as well. But what that does is it breaks your autonomy. It breaks your your physical boundary to your private space in the home. If you had your own room, I mean, I could just go on for days. You know, a parent coming in and criticizing how you cleaned your room, but maybe you were never taught the right way to clean. But they're coming in and they're like, Why is this here? Why? Why are there always toys on your floor? Why are there clothes on your floor and just being highly critical of you, but your room is your place for autonomy and for things to bloom and for you to make a mess. You know, mess is good. That is you learning taking up space in your life, learning to take up space in the world. But yet we still tell women from when they're very tiny young, you need to have a clean home. You need to be perfectly organized all the time, because we don't want women being messy. We don't want women taking up space, because that is still very uncomfortable to us in our society.
Kristen Carder:Oh, that's like a fire statement. So being messy, I don't even like that term, because it sounds negative, but like, having your stuff everywhere is just another way that we are learning to take up space. And where do you see? Kind of the line like, How does somebody know if it's working for them or not? Because I think a lot of people listening will be like, Okay, well, that's cute. Like, great, I'll take up space with my stuff, but like, it's not working for me, like I'm losing things and I don't have anywhere to sit, and I just don't feel like I can function in this space. So how do you know the line between like, it's good to take up space, but then on the other side of it, it's not like working form.
Stacy Scott:This is a fabulous question, so I have a couple things here. First, it's based on your nervous system needs. Wherever you are in your journey of life, or if you're you see yourself on a healing journey, what you're going to need from your space is going to be a little different. So some parts of your journey, you are going to feel like you you need a cleaner space. Parts of it, you're going to feel like you can live amongst more quote, unquote, mess. So it's going to be identifying for you what your space triggers. That's what I call them are, what are the things that when it gets to a certain level in your home starts to really trigger your body into a panic, shame, grief, whatever emotion you might be feeling that is going to be your cue to not to try to not descend into whatever coping pattern you have, food, TV, Doom, scrolling, bed, rotting, whatever we want to call it these days, and to actually then go and take down the pressure in the home. That's the doing the dishes, the cleaning of the front door, the folding of the laundry, everybody's going to be a little different there. I'm sure I opened up more questions in your listeners than I did answers. So the other portion to my answer to that is doing the work to better understand why subconsciously doing the dishes or the or that you physically pile things on the dining room table, why you're doing that in the first place. But that. Come from a magic bullet, from somebody on Instagram saying, Well, I have five magic tips for you, and you're going to declutter your entire home in a weekend. That's not possible, not from a let me say that again, that's not possible from a nervous system safety standpoint. You can absolutely force your body into it, but your body's not going to be happy, because when we have tell me
Kristen Carder:what you mean by that, what does it mean, you know, when you say from a nervous system safety standpoint, like for the average listener, how can you interpret that so that they can understand that? That's so fabulous. Thank
Stacy Scott:you for slowing me down. So when I say nervous system safety, when I work with my clients, they are able to just wake up some days and they're like, I just felt like decluttering. I just went and decluttered 32 pounds true story, 32 pounds of stuff off my bedroom floor. That's how you know you I'm not just That's a true story, or some actually, somebody I'm working with currently decluttered their entire garage in a day, and they were able to put a car in their garage for the first time in seven years. That is a true story. I'm not making that up from me giving them five easy steps or pushing them. You got this. It's not about pushing them, if their body, if your body, as a listener, is saying, Whoa, pump the brakes. This doesn't feel safe, meaning that you're starting to revert into those coping strategies of bed, foam, food, whatever it is that means your nervous system is not feeling safe. Because when we have safety in our nervous system, decluttering feels effortless. It is just that I woke up today, and today was the day I don't know. I didn't question it, so I just did it. But most of us do not have nervous system safety when it comes to the physical act of decluttering, because we do not have emotional safety within our body. The possessions are the stand in for something that happened in your past, some sort of sublimit subconscious belief or memory that is energetically and emotionally stuck in some part of your body, and that is creating the physical resistance to the act of decluttering. So when I say nervous system safety, that is what I'm talking about. And I'm sure most of your audience right now is like, but wait, that's me. Yes, it is, 99% of people, because we have been taught to declutter in a very unsafe way to our bodies. So when I talk about shame, and I work with clients, whether it's through workshops or a membership that's coming or privately, we are pulling out all of that shame, that grief, those memories. We're pulling that out of your body so that you wake up one day and yes, you just go declutter so that, and then I get to sit back as your guide and be like, yeah, yeah. Great, fabulous. You didn't need five easy steps and magic bullets. You just did it because we removed the resistance in the body.
Kristen Carder:I mean, that is so spot on to my own experience, and from what I hear from clients as well, where it's just like, I just can't do it, like the resistance that you are describing, yeah, I just gotta get myself over the hump. I just got to get myself to do it, or I know exactly what to do. And this is like, hello. Every person with ADHD, I know what to do. I just can't make myself do it. And I'm so with you on, like, cut it out with the five easy tips. That's so not not me, that is not my style or my jam or anything that I will ever sell, because those tips are googleable. You can find a YouTube video today that's going to teach you the five easy tips to declutter or whatever, to to organize, or to, you know, for your inbox or whatever it's it's not about that. It's about why can't I get my body why does it feel like I have to summit Mount Everest in order to just tackle this pile that's on my counter?
Stacy Scott:If those five easy steps work, I wouldn't be here. I would not have a community of almost 100,000 people across all social media platforms, of people who are here wanting to listen, I would not need to exist. I would be off doing something else, totally, if everything you have been taught about decluttering actually worked. So oh, I just, I just had a new term come to my head, respect the resistance. Respect it in your body as it is, a prior version of you, whether that's childhood, young adulthood or you six days ago, some prior version of you is asking you to slow down, to stop and to turn inward and to give her what she feels like she did not get, presence, love, support, understanding and. She is asking you to stop and pay attention to her, and as soon as you give her what she needs, that resistance is just magically gone.
Kristen Carder:I've experienced that in my own life, and for me personally, what I always needed someone to come alongside me and say, Hey, what do you need? Do you need any help here? That's just like, if someone could just ask me that question, Do you need anything? What can I help you with? I don't ever remember being asked. Ever Do you need anything? Do you Do you need any help with this? It was like, Why can't you do this? Why haven't you done that? But it wasn't,
Stacy Scott:yeah, 100%
Kristen Carder:yes, 100% but it was never, hey, I noticed that your room was really messy. Do you need any help?
Stacy Scott:Can I show you how to organize? Should we organize together? Let's sing the cleanup song. If you're a very young child. We were never taught some sort of expectation was set that you were meant to live in your home this way. Your home is meant to look like this always. And if you are not meeting that lofty, unattainable expectation, you are failing. And that's what I feel like. Minimalism just took the expectation it may have been here, and it put it up even higher, out of reach, and it's still being pushed on us today.
Kristen Carder:One of the things that I do with my kids is a Sunday reset, or sometimes we call it self care Sunday. So we go to church in the evening on Sunday. And so on the way home from church, we talk about, what do we need to do to reset for the next week? And it's been such an amazing for me, as someone who has never done anything consistently. Didn't grow up in routine. Always had chaos, like to have that touch point of like, hey, it's Sunday night. We need to reset for the week, and then to talk about, like, we're just going to tidy up the rooms, because it makes it easier to function this week. So like, everybody's going to go home, everybody's going to tidy you put your laundry in the laundry room, like that, kind of like Sunday, reset. It's just a touch point. It's like, the expectation is not that your room is clean constantly, but we are going to touch base and make sure that we're making it functional for the week. Is that something that you think is practical trauma informed like, is that a good idea? And are there other things as well that are kind of practical that you can
Stacy Scott:go I think what you just expressed was beautiful, and I'm going to tease it out a little bit here, because especially what I like is you're not just telling your kids, like, Hey, you're gonna go do this when we get home. You're saying we are all together. We are all going to go clean our spaces, our rooms, our common areas. It's something that the family is doing together. Kids just want to be with you. I have a seven month old now, and I feel like I can, finally, I can speak to this. Yeah, they just want to do what you're doing. They just want to be part of you and your presence. And if you guys are all doing something together, even though, in our mind, we're like, Oh, these are boring chores to them. It's fun. And if they're raised in that environment. We all do this together. This is all our family expectation, whatever it is, whether it's a Sunday reset, a daily reset, we put our toys away after we're done. Whatever it is. If you're all doing it together and you're modeling it, it's going to be much easier for them to learn. And the other thing I think that you're teaching them because the expectation, as you mentioned, was not to have a perfectly clean room all the time. You are not forcing some sort of unrealistic ideal on them. You're saying home is meant to be lived in. We are the power in our space. We do the home does not go above us on the totem pole here, a home serves us, not the other way around, so, but we like to use home to make us feel good. So because my room doesn't always need to be clean, I get to live in it. I get to take up space. But then when it gets to be a certain level, we clean it up. You just put things away. We throw our laundry in the laundry bin, or whatever you know needs to happen. So actually, I think I love what you just laid out. All
Kristen Carder:of this is just so useful, so amazing. I'm so appreciative to you, if someone is listening and they are really resonating, and I want to speak specifically to that resistance. Mentioned it a couple times, and I love what you said. Respect the resistance. How does someone listening so they have ADHD and they're just like, I know that my home is not the way I want it to be, but also I feel this like huge amount of resistance to doing anything differently. How. Do you walk someone through this process because it's so hard, it's so tender. What can you leave our listeners with that will help them to kind of maybe think through or process the emotions in a different way? So
Stacy Scott:fabulous question. So I love to teach through examples, so I'm going to walk you guys through myself and one of my own examples and what I did to really release resistance. So I said earlier that I was somebody who, because of my childhood in a cluttered and toxic and abusive environment, I my pendulum. Instead of swinging to having a lot of possessions, I swung the opposite direction to over decluttering. Now that was a coping mechanism for me. I created my belief system of my subconscious, my self concept. Believed that I was only worthy if my home was perfect again, it was how I was controlling my lack of control in my body. Well, fast forward a couple of years, and that coping mechanism when I started my healing journey, I want to remind the audience, there was not this much stuff on Instagram. I really started this healing journey, 567, years ago, seven years ago actually, because my wedding actually ended up being a rock bottom moment for me, which another topic for another day, but that coping mechanism started to break down. I went into a period of probably we I would now looking back, I call it deep depression, because I did not have the energy anymore to keep my home perfect, because that that those walls, that self concept that I had created within my body of perfection in the home, was starting to crumble because I was starting to dive into my past. I finally felt safe after marrying my husband. I finally felt emotionally and physically safe with him to do this work. So as I'm diving in my ability to clean and declutter and keep me perfect, and I'm telling you, you could eat off my floors home that was gone and I started shaming and blaming myself of what is wrong with you. Why can't you just do this anymore? This, this is so physically easy, right? But all of this emotional resistance had been unleashed, like all of the prior versions of myself that I had been holding at bay with this minimalism, this perfection in my home, it all just came crumbling down. So now I had to deal with all of that. So here's what I did, and this took time. So obviously this is a short synopsis, but this did take some time. I had to start to notice when I started to feel resistance to doing even something simple, like even taking care of myself, like brushing my teeth. So I'm not just talking about taking care of the home. I'm just talking about taking care of me. So even when I started to feel resistance like that, I had to really work to stop and bring presence and awareness into what I was feeling, what I was feeling in my body and what my mind was saying. So feeling in my body was what emotions are penned up. That's really what that was. But I didn't have that knowledge at the time, so it was like, Okay, well, I'm feeling tightness in my chest, my stomach's upset. I've put on weights, my clothes don't feel good. It was just more about coming back into the moment of what I'm feeling in my body. My heart is racing. Why is my heart racing? And then I'd start to notice, well, what is your mind saying? It was saying awful, terrible things to me, you know, really, really, a self critical inner monolog. And with time, I recognized that that voice was not my own. It was my mother's shocker, right? Even though it was, it was my inner monolog voice, words were not my own, they were my mother's. So even though I'm shaming myself for not being able to physically even take care of myself, let alone the home, by stopping every time that happened and by noticing then what I was feeling helps me piece all of these pieces together. And of course, I was not perfect. And nobody listening is perfect, you know, that that coping mechanism would even you could, you could fall off the precipice of it. So sometimes I did not have presence. The emotions just took me. And it would be afterwards, after I came out of an emotion spiral, you know, three days, five days, six months after I came out of that emotional spiral, I could sit and look back and say, Okay, these are the things that happened when I went into that emotional spiral. What are the thoughts that were coming up and what were the behaviors that my body felt safe doing? It was always on the couch, scrolling, um. Netflix and eating. Those were my coping mechanisms, and I know I'm not alone there. So by starting to piece together not only what my body is feeling, what my mind is saying and what are my coping mechanisms, I could slowly and with time build more and more inner emotional architecture of resilience to put the stop, the brakes on when I'm feeling something and know, whoa, that's not my voice. Let's say something nicer to myself. And I want to be very clear while I'm doing this, I have support from mental health professionals, but what they were doing with me, which is now what I use with my clients, is inner child healing. It's the real work there was stopping turning inward and understanding the prior versions of myself that did not get what she wanted, did not get what she needed. And I can tell you this, it never had anything to do with doing the dishes, never had anything to do with not being able to declutter the closet in the hallway. Those are just physical manifestations of coping mechanisms that we have created. So I hope that my explaining my process over the years this can help someone else through it a little bit more as well, especially if they don't have the level of support that I'm privileged to say that I had,
Kristen Carder:for sure, I think that we don't as children who were like under nurtured. I just mean as a society, so many of us were under nurtured, we don't understand how much support we actually need in adulthood. And you've mentioned that, and I'm so happy that you took us through that process and that you mentioned, you know, having the support, because I think that these are the types of things that humans, men, women, maybe especially women, feel like we should just be able to do I should just be able to do this. Why do I need support? Why do I need somebody like Stacy? Why do I need a therapist? Why do I need Why do I need support? Because it's not that hard. I should just be able to do it. And I think what you're saying is like it actually is that hard. It's maybe even harder than what you are willing to acknowledge and validate. And so getting support in place is the pathway through absolutely
Stacy Scott:I mean, I'm not going to sit here and see somebody couldn't do this by themselves. I would never take that potential and opportunity away from someone. But yes, having support is amazing. It's just amazing. I know not all of us have access to that, so I'm, I'm aware of that, especially when I price and you know, when I put out my you know, whatever I put out. And I'm sure you are as well. So
Kristen Carder:I love that you said that you would never take away the potential for someone to do this within their own and I think that, like you leading us through that process of observing thoughts, observing emotions, observing actions, like that is a catalyst for being able to do this work. Absolutely.
Stacy Scott:And you know, I really like somatic healing practices, and a lot of them you can do yourself. I like inner child healing because it's so gentle, and it is something you can lead yourself through. Can you get deeper with somebody else? Sure, but can you lead yourself through it right this very second? Yes, yep.
Kristen Carder:My favorite question is like, Hey, honey, what do you need? Yeah,
Stacy Scott:just speaking to yourself,
Kristen Carder:it can be simple,
Stacy Scott:especially when you start to feel resistance, discomfort, quiet in the body, turning inward, what do you need right now? But also, as soon as your mind tells you, not saying, Well, you don't need that, not ignoring, oh my gosh, because your prior versions, they're going to tell you exactly what they need. They are. That inner teenager is sassy. That inner teenager is angry, even maybe that inner three year old is angry. They're going to tell you exactly what they need, and it's our job to not belittle it, shame it, downplay it, because that just prolongs the process.
Kristen Carder:So good. All right, lady, tell us how we can find you how we can work with you. We need all things Stacey,
Stacy Scott:so you can find me on Instagram, Tiktok and now YouTube, under sanctuary with Stacey. I still do one to one clients, private decluttering, work. It's over four months. I love it so much. Also I understand price points, so I have workshops where I literally walk you through how to go from a very, very external societal viewpoint, and walking you all the way into the very, very personal so you can pick those up in any of my links and bios. Then what I'm super excited to be working on now, which is hopefully coming in the next few months, is a membership, because I am so aware of how many people. So across an age, socioeconomic and political spectrum, need this work, and I want it to be accessible. I don't want to gatekeep anymore. I do not want this well, I'm going to pull you in so you spend more and more money with me. I think that is bullshit. That is over. I just want to give you everything you need at a valuable price point where I can still pay my bills, and you get what you need from me as your guide, and I just know more of the state keeping so that's what I'm starting to build out so you can that is, here we go. Let's do this thing. I love it. I just like as an aside, coach to coach, I am so here for accessible tools that people can get without spending 1000s of dollars. So over that business model, I'm so over it. I just want a place where I can mine my mind moves fast. I just want a place where I can frame dump everything onto you in a systematic way that is going to continue to help you put pieces of this decluttering thing into your life puzzle, because you got things to do, you got places to go, you have a life to live, so let's Just freaking help you.
Kristen Carder:Yeah, so good, Stacy, thank you so much. Adore you. So glad that you came back. You want to have you all the time. We love you. Cool. Thanks so much, honey. Hey, ADH, dear. I see you. I know exactly what it's like to feel lost, confused, frustrated, and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That's why I created focus. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself feeling better and creating the life that you know you're meant for. You'll study, be coached, grow and make amazing changes, alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world, visit I have adhd.com/focused to learn more. You.